smart decisions on the F train

As of late, I have found myself devising efficient strategies for snagging a seat on the often late, and therefore always packed, rush-hour morning F train.

Now mind you, this is not as easy a feat as when I lived in Ridgewood and commuted via the L train. I stuck to a very simple strategy for getting a seat on the way back home: If it walks & talks* like a hipster, stand nearby. By using this no-fail technique, I was usually able to sit at some point by the Grand St. stop. (I usually had a seat in the AM since it wasn't too packed by the time the train arrived at Wyckoff-Myrtle.)

*note: because there is often a very fine line between Polish (read: most definitely getting off at Wyckoff-Myrtle) and hipster, it was very important to ensure that the person in question was, indeed, a native English speaker in order to snag a seat.

These days, however, things are a little more complex. The F train, as it runs its route in Queens, does not pass through any hip or even "up-and-coming" neighborhoods as defined by modern-day standards. In fact, it traverses through some of the most ghetto and uncool, respectively, 'hoods in the borough. After a year and a half of living in Kew Gardens, though, keen observation has provided me with the following rules for my morning commute:

-Be on the lookout for anyone who is NOT wearing business/professional attire. If they are carrying a briefcase, there is no chance they are getting off anywhere in Queens. Steer clear of such individuals and instead hover near anyone dressed in extremely casual clothing, semi-crazy-looking and/or talking to oneself (tip-off that they probably don't have a job, especially not in the city, but proceed with caution) and/or carrying a small bag--or even better, no bag at all.

-The "extremely casual clothing" rule especially applies to thug-like individuals. Bandanas, teardrop tattoos, music blaring from a phone and/or other handheld device, an angry mother with 3 or more young children: These signals practically scream "I'm getting off at Queensbridge." No idea where they're going at 9 am, but stand near one of these rare gems in the morning and you will be on your way to seated bliss.

-The elderly are likely to depart in Queens, especially if they are particularly frail-looking or carrying a cane. Perhaps they enjoy making early-morning visits to friends/family or are going to/coming from a doctor's appointment. Whatever the reason may be, it's a 90% guarantee that they will leave behind an empty seat sooner rather than later.

-Steer clear of anyone with luggage. They are clearly a tourist on their way into the city from JFK -- there is no way they're spending their dream vacation in NYC in Queensbridge or Jackson Heights. No seat for you, buddy.

-Make your way to anyone in the 12 to 18 age range carrying a backpack and/or reading a textbook. There are plenty of public and private junior highs & high schools scattered along the F line in Queens, and chances are good that they're getting off somewhere in the Q-boro (many of them even depart as soon as Forest Hills!). If they look particularly astute, though, it's likely that they go to some fancy-ass school in the city, so it's a kind of hit-or-miss.

Please note that I am by no means a seat nazi. I willingly give up my seat for an elderly or pregnant person when I see one, but in the summer, when the average temperature in the station is about 115 degrees and in the train itself, 100 degrees, it's important to be on your game as to avoid looking like you just ran the NYC marathon before arriving at work. Getting a seat really helps. Especially if, like me, you carry a purse/normal bag, gym bag, and sometimes a bag with lunch during your commute. Sweat central trying to juggle all that shit while holding onto a poll and dodging several limbs as you attempt to maintain stability.