deodorant and cigarettes

Never a dull moment on the Manhattan/Brooklyn-bound F train.

Monday was Cinco de Mayo, and since I love all things Mexican—guacamole, Chipotle, the hat dance, my friend Connie—I had decided to celebrate as long into the night as possible. Things went as planned. Four hours of sleep and many ounces of alcohol later, at the Van Wyck-Briarwood platform, I prayed to the subway gods that I would get a seat. Lo and behold, the last three (!!) cars had seats aplenty, so I walked into the one with the most seats available, assuming I would get my pick of the litter. Little did I realize the reason for this plethora of seats: a crazy homeless man with two teeth in the corner of the car.

Walking into the train, I observed that the area within a 3-seat circumference of this man was empty. However, I was a bit perplexed because that all too familiar Queens-homeless-person stink was nowhere to be found. "Sweet," I thought. "He must just look crazy, so everyone is staying away from him, but at least he doesn't smell like poo!"

Moments later, I understood why: He started spraying aerosol deodorant all over his body. At first I respected the fact that this hobo was hygiene-conscious and didn't want to offend fellow commuters with his stench. Until he continued to spray the deodorant continuously... for TEN WHOLE MINUTES. He likely used up the entire can, spraying himself, literally, from head to toe. Now, I am not opposed to hot-man-smelling deodorant. But imagine sitting 10 feet away from a corner in which an ENTIRE can had been sprayed. Pretty nauseating.

I then wondered if this crazy man was trying to make a statement—like, "Oh, you think I stink like shit because of the natural odor created due to not showering? Wait til I smell like what is conventionally accepted as 'good,' but to the extreme!!" But I think this is giving him too much credit.

I then see him pull out a pack of cigarettes and toss it on the seat directly in front of him. He proceeded to pull one out, light it up, and smoke it leisurely while playing a crossword puzzle in the daily paper!! Just as I started feeling simultaneously enraged that I would have to deal with the smell of smoke and afraid that this man would set himself/the train car ablaze, it occurred to me that the smell of smoke was being overpowered by the scent of the deodorant! After one initial whiff of the smoke, I smelled it no longer.

Although this man continued to behave erratically, standing up a few times to hold his newspaper to the ceiling, letting his tongue hang sloppily out of his mouth, and coughing/hacking up phlegm (and possibly both lungs) to an extent I had never before witnessed, I wondered whether he was simply insane or perhaps he was trying to show some consideration for us smoke-hating commuters by masking it with deodorant. Or making an artsy statement. Maybe he wasn't even homeless.